New Heathens

Montana for Metrosexuals

Last night I visited a friend I grew up with in Missoula, MT at his new apartment in Stamford, CT. He told me just an awful story.

Upon arriving in Connecticut in November, my buddy needed a haircut and was overjoyed when he found a barbershop in downtown Stamford called "Montana."

"I thought, 'Yes! A real Montana barber shop,'" my friend said. "The kind where there's great conversation and a guy gives you a good, reasonably-priced haircut." The kind of place our dads used to take us to back when, you know, I was getting haircuts.

Then my friend looked at the "menu" for this barbershop.

First of all, the place isn't just called "Montana," it's called "Montana For Men," and it offers a "Sports Manicure" a "Sports Pedicure" and (seriously) "Waxing."

At Montana for Metrosexuals you can buy "packages" named after three Montana towns and one dogsled race. The "master barber" will give you "The Billings" (Haircut, Sports Manicure, Spa Pedicure) for $118. He'll give you "The Butte" (Haircut, Sports Manicure, Royal Shave) for $128. He'll give you "The Great Falls" (Haircut, Sports Manicure, Spa Pedicure, Royal Shave and a massage) for $195. And he'll give you "The Race To The Sky," (all of the above with a longer massage) for a whopping $215.

Two hundred and fifteen dollars for a dude to give you a massage in Stamford, CT named after a fucking dogsled race! For real? You can pay a month's fucking rent in Great Falls, MT for the same price as "The Great Falls" Royal Shave in Stamford!

Suffice to say, I don't know too many men from Montana who would patronize Stamford's "Montana For Men."

The "Master Barber" was clever in naming his "services" after towns in Montana. But a real list of "Montana Haircuts" would look something like this:

The Missoula = Your hair is knotted into dreadlocks and softened with patchouli oil.

The Bozeman = Brad Pitt's haircut? Yours.

The Annaconda = Chemical hair removal.

The Whitefish = Ooh, look at that mountain. Your haircut will be a million dollars, please.

The Plentywood = Where your hair clippings are sewn into your jacket because it's -30 outside.

The Paradise Valley = Where would you like your hair subdivided, I mean cut?

The Big Sandy = A flattop.

The Helena = Where lobbyists and the Montana Stockgrowers Association tell you what kind of haircut you're going to get.

The Lincoln = Haircut in a second, I just have to mail this package first.

The Bonner = Haircut with a timber saw.

The Highwood = Haircut with a combine.

The Cooke City = Haircut with a snowmobile.

The Victor = Haircut with a wolf.

The Deer Lodge = Haircut with a prison shiv.

The Warm Springs = No, you can't touch the scissors.

The Bob Ward & Son's = Here we do our haircuts real quick (click).

The Ennis = You see hair clippings? We see Elk Hair Caddis.

The Bellgrade = Free townhouse by the interstate with every cut.

The Rock Creek = These "haircuts" are how we make Rocky Mountain "Oysters." They're not "oysters" but they are "delicious."

The Little Big Horn = Scalp comes too.

The St. Ignatius = I've come to tell you about Jesus. He had long hair, but he says cut yours.

The Bitterroot Valley = No government better tell you where you can and can't cut your hair.

The Stevensville = OK, the courts say you can cut hair on Huey Lewis' property, just please pick up your clippings.

The Libby = Die from your haircut? It's not the barber's fault.

The Noxon = Free trims. Straight hair only.

The Jordan = Two choices of hairstyles; come out peaceful style, or Waco, TX style!

The Paws Up = Haircuts (TM)

The Yellowstone Club = Divorced? Bankrupt? You still owe a lot for that haircut.

The Hardin = We swear, the guy we gave the barbershop to seemed like he was qualified to cut hair.

The Pinesdale = Haircuts are $5 per couple, $2 for each additional wife.

The Horse Butte = Nobody ever got brucellosis from a haircut.

The Shelby = This silo is for hair clippings and that silo's aimed at Moscow.

The Nate Schweber = Not a hair cut in 11 months and counting!

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  1. Ha! Love your version of MT cuts – happily surprised that you were able to get so many of them on your list! Um…what would YOU include in a “Great Falls” cut?

  2. Holy shit, Nate. Applause. Whitfish and Libby had me near tears.

  3. The Roundup: Leave your cowboy hat on, we’ll cut around it.
    Awesome, Nate, awesome.

  4. Ha! Thanks Kev. Wish I’d thought of that one, Cassie. David, I would figure the Great Falls would be haircut by F-16 fighter.

  5. Thank you for your comments and humourous haircut descriptions, we also offer the back sack and crack. Show Montana ID and it’s free. Master barber Mike, that’s me shaving the dog my best client, tks again.

  6. Libby made me cry.

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